


Panic

by jessuntitled



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-11
Updated: 2016-04-11
Packaged: 2018-06-01 14:30:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6523978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessuntitled/pseuds/jessuntitled
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Alec left Magnus's place in Ep 11.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Panic

Alec could feel the walls closing in on him.

The rushing in his ears, chest heaving. His normally steady hands shaking. _FUCK._ He was having a panic attack.

He knew he wanted to get out of sight. He couldn’t let anyone see him like this. Especially not right now.

His vision blurry, he turned down the private hallway that led to the family quarters. Using the wall for support he stumbled through his bedroom door. Shutting it as quietly as possible, he fumbled with the lock. It wouldn’t keep anyone out if they really wanted in but it would stop someone from just walking in. He fell back against the wall, struggling to slow his breathing. Ten…nine…eight…seven. He tried counting backwards from ten, his heart pounding so loud and fast he thought it would come out of his chest.

He slid down the wall, six…five….five…Suddenly he felt a wave of calm wash over him and he was able to take a deep breath. Another wave, another deep breath until finally his breathing slowed and the fog slowly lifted. Jace. It was Jace. He huffed out an annoyed laugh. Just like old times, he thought bitterly. He thumped his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. His phone vibrated in his pocket but he ignored it, knowing it was from Jace. He ran his hands through his hair, tugging on the ends frustrated. He felt like everything was falling apart and he was the only one scrambling to pick up the pieces.

Jesus. He hadn’t had a panic attack in years. The last time had to have been before he had ascended. Back when they had been training to become shadow hunters Alec had suffered quite a few episodes. Alec, always the serious one out of the trio, was undoubtedly the one who was hardest on himself. He was supposed to succeed. It was expected. Failure was not an option. So he trained as hard as he could, and still his parents pushed for more. Faster. Stronger. Nothing was ever good enough. Sometimes the stress would become too much and he’d have an attack. Alec just assumed it was another example of his weakness, how he would never be strong enough.

And then there was Jace. It was Jace who was strong and brave. This kid who was fearless wanted to train with him. Encouraged him and wanted to be his friend. His parabatai. Jace, the one who knew all the best and worst parts of him, never judged him. Never looked at him like he wasn’t good enough. They had anchored each other. Filled in the holes that they’d been missing. Together they had become a force. Supposedly they were the best shadowhunters of their generation.  
Objectively he knew that’s when his crush on Jace started. They’d done the parabatai ceremony when they were 14. While they were told that the bond would change them, that they would be binding their souls together, it was nothing compared to the way it felt. All of a sudden there was someone who knew what he was feeling, could sense his moods, his thoughts before he could ever voice them out loud. He was never alone. He loved Jace, but it was different then the way he loved Izzy and Max, Not more exactly, but different. Unfortunately that was around the same time that Alec was starting to notice that he didnt feel the same way about girls that Jace and the other boys did. When he realized what that meant and that he liked boys, he was so ashamed. Thinking that somehow he had perverted the sacred bond between parabatai. He’d never once thought to ask Jace about it. About how the bond felt to him. He didn't want to draw attention to it.

One time he’d asked his father. Robert had shut him down quickly, refusing to speak about Michael. He never spoke about his parabatai. All they knew was that Michael Wayland was Jace’s father and when he died, they’d taken Jace in and raised him as their own. Alec had assumed that it was just too painful to speak of and he’d never attempted to bring it up again. Parabatai were rare and Alec hadn’t heard of any others of their generation that had gone through the ceremony so he’d had no one else to talk to. He had made a promise to himself that he wouldn’t let what were his issues ruin this. So he never spoke of it. He locked that part of himself away. It wasn’t until that night at Magnus’s that he’d started to realize that he wasn’t a freak.

That night on the couch, in between checking on Luke, Magnus had talked. He had talked for hours and Alec just sat there and listened, captivated. Magnus was fascinating and he’d made him relax enough to laugh, which was something no one outside of Jace or his siblings managed to do. Magnus had started to ask him questions about himself and Alec, who was usually so guarded, had answered. He told him about Izzy and Max. About his responsibilities of running the institute. But when he asked about Jace, he’d struggled to find the words to explain. To his shock, Magnus had just smiled knowingly and told him about a pair of parabatai that he’d known long ago. As he spoke of them, Alec had recognized Jace and himself in them and he’d started to realize that his feelings towards Jace were because of the bond that they shared. It all had started to make sense. That maybe this thing with Magnus…

It was hard to describe. There was something about him that made him stop and stare. Made him fumble for words and his palms sweaty. When he looked at him, he could feel his heart pounding in his chest, butterflies in his stomach. Despite his lack of experience, Alec wasn’t naive. He may be a virgin but he wasn’t an innocent. After all, how can someone who kills on a regular basis be innocent? Alec recognized the attraction. The way his skin heated and his blood ran hot when Magnus stood close. He didn’t know what to call this….this thing between them, but he knew it was something. He hadn’t been able to put what he was feeling into words, but Magnus had looked at him like he KNEW. Like he could see straight through him to his core. Magnus was right. There was something there. Acknowledging it was too much for Alec but he had kept pushing. He kept talking about feelings.

  
Alec scoffed. Feelings. Alec was a shadowhunter. All he knew about feelings was how to ignore them. He’d spent most of his life training to ignore them.

  
Alec’s phone buzzed again with a text. Sighing he pulled it out of his pants pocket. Two texts from Jace.

Are you ok?  
Look Alec I understand you are mad at me but please. I can barely feel you anymore.

Alec rolled his eyes. Texted back a quick ‘I’m fine’. Knowing Jace he would barge into his bedroom if he didn’t get a response soon. The last thing Alec wanted to deal with right now was another confrontation with his parabatai. He waited for the anger to come again, but he was too tired. Mentally exhausted from the events of the past week he couldn’t even muster up the energy to be angry anymore. His eyes locked on his reply to Jace. How many times had he said those two words this week? It felt like that’s all he had been saying, repeating over and over.

He was obviously far from fine. He was trying so hard. So hard to keep everything together and it just feels like the harder he tries the more it goes wrong.

He felt like he was stuck on one of those mundane carnival rides and can’t get off.


End file.
